What Happens When You Let Go

I did something big this weekend - I drove 600 miles along from Texas to Florida. Let’s back up for a minute and talk about why this was such a big thing. Two years ago I was struggling driving to work or an hour away to go to my parents house due to panic attacks. It was debilitating. I felt helpless frequently because I’d turn events down for fear of panic in the car. Enough was just enough. I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. I realized I just had to find a way and where there is a will… there is a way. I began to do something called exposure therapy. It’s where you expose yourself to a situation in small doses to build up a tolerance. Basically, you are rewiring the brain. I started taking day trips on the weekends when I was alone. First it was an hour or two away, then I traveled with my daughter for a whole weekend in November to Austin. I figured at that point if I could make it through a weekend with the kid chatting my head off while driving, I could do something bigger. And I did just that - I booked a hotel, packed the car up and grabbed my dog for a 600 mile journey!

I learned over the past few years that panic attacks are impacted by a root cause as with all anxiety. To be able to truly let go you have to get to the root of your problems. For me, I had deep rooted fear of abandonment stemming back from my early adoption. Many of you don’t know but I was placed outside of my birth mother’s care at six weeks old. Luckily, I had two amazing birth grandparents who would do the majority of raising me for my first year. After that I was adopted by my aunt and uncle who then immediately got pregnant with my little sister. I am forever grateful to be a part of this family and my sister and I grew up knowing each other as sisters. However, it wasn’t until nearly three decades later that I discovered I had a fear of abandonment. I’ve never been abandoned by by adopted parents, but I constantly worked to get approval from them and many others throughout my life. I felt this need to earn other people’s love. This carried over into my romantic relationships.

Fast forward to the past ten years when I worked hard to keep a marriage together that would never work. Have any of you been there? You try everything and then one day you realize that it takes two people willing to compromise to make the relationship happen. There was a string of a few very impactful events that popped up during this period of time and the panic attacks began. Sometimes I’d have them for days. My heart would race, my body would break into sweat and then chills, and my head felt like I was going to faint. Most of the time these happened when I was in the car because it was while I was driving I was alone with my thoughts. It was so tough. I tried everything to calm down - some healthy choices and some not so healthy choices. Finally, after a few months of getting therapy I got to the root issue - fear of rejection and abandonment. I had to let this go if I wanted to have peace in my life.

The lighthouse below is in Biloxi, Mississippi and is the oldest lighthouse kept by female keepers! It has withstood many hurricanes over the years and serves as a symbol of survival.

So here we are, seven years after the first panic attack. Four years since my divorce. Almost two years of sobriety. I can firmly say that I am the most joyful and peaceful I’ve ever been. It took letting go of other people’s expectations. It took letting go of deep rooted fears. It took pacing myself and taking hundreds of thousands of baby steps. But I’m here. I made it to being 600 miles away from home with just myself and the dog. And guess what? You can do this, too. You see I’m nothing special or out of the ordinary. Maybe you feel stuck somewhere in your life… work, relationships, finances, fears… whatever it is - you have the power to change it. It takes baby steps. Not gigantic leaps - it takes making daily changes and getting curious about why you are the way you are. It also takes admitting that you may need help to make a change. You have the power and the choice to change your life. Just take it one day at a time and let it go.