How to Overcome Insecurities
Dress: Amazon // Boots: Elisabet Tang // Earrings: Vintage // Lipstick: Flaunty by Younique
Insecurities are something we all have. Many of them were formed in childhood and then reinforced throughout our teenage and adult lives. For some of us the insecurity lies in our physical looks (here is a great post for how to improve your body image) but for others, our insecurities lie in feeling loved in our relationships. I’ve been going through intense therapy this year and we’ve been digging deep into my childhood, doing shadow work, and healing my inner child. I’ll share a few ways that therapy has helped me over this past year and what I’m currently working on. I’ve always aimed to be transparent with you guys on Three Heel Clicks and although I regularly post about style, beauty, and travel… I also have a heavy emphasis on my mental health journey. You can read about anxiety, depression, and many other topics here. Today we will talk about how to overcome insecurities.
Trace the Pattern
First and foremost, you’re going to have to admit and face the fact that you have insecurities. Many people hae a tendancy to compartmentalize difficult subjects and just focus on their strengths. However, to fully heal a wounded heart it’s going to require and accept all parts of ourselves. Inner child and shadow work give you tools and ways to tackle just that. You begin to accept all parts of yourself, both good and bad for what they are. If you have a love insecurity it’s likely that you experienced some sort of trouble from your caregivers as a child. Maybe your parents were too busy to tend to your emotional needs, or maybe you were adopted and they just struggled to understand you. Maybe you had a family member with an addiction and it impacted your ability to receive consistent and coherent love. Take out a sheet of paper the next time a feeling arises and write down what you are feeling insecure about. Then, take a few minutes and transport yourself back in time to list all of the times you felt something similar. This may feel painful, but in the long run, it’s going to help so much!
Identify the Trigger
Triggers are things, people, places, sounds, smells or situations in your current day to day life that bring up things from the past. Oftentimes a trigger is from someone you currently care a lot about. They act as a mirror of things in your past that are difficult to get over. One time I had an ex-boyfriend choose the exact same ringtone as my ex-husband… everytime the boyfriend received a text message I cringed. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know… but it was tough to get through an afternoon when his phone was sounding. The sound of the text message was a whistle and that whistle transported me right back to a time when I was struggling more than I ever have in life. The memory is a complex thing. We cannot always remember things narratively but instead somatically. That means when we smell something, we can’t always remember where we smelled it but we can remember the feeling it gave us. If you can identify the trigger in your current life, then you can prepare a coping strategy to help calm your nervous system when it arises again.
Create a Coping Plan
I’ve mentioned creating a coping plan several times on the blog before in regards to anxiety, but it’s imperative if you want to overcome an insecurity. As soon as you are triggered, the nervous system activates into fight, flight or freeze where you want to lay dormant. You’ll oftentimes feel your heart race or your chest get heavy. You may lose all ability to rationally think or motivation. Everyone has an F3 response that they will gravitate towards. For me, it’s usually flight or freeze. Some will get defensive and fight will be the go to. They may turn nasty or aggressive. Some will freeze and cannot function or process information. Whatever your natural response is, you’ll know it when it’s activated. Using a coping checklist you can go through a series of exercises like deep breathing, take a walk, listen to your favorite song, look at your favorite board on Pinterest, or even journal. The goal is to get you to a stablized place where you can then do a self-care activity. Today I actually took a bath to do so. I’ve been struggling with something very difficult lately and a bath helped me get back to a place of neutral. Once I’m in neutral I can process thoughts and journal. The goal is not to avoid your feelings, but to calm your physical response.
Finish with a Self-care Activity
Once you have made it to this point, do a little happy dance. No joke! This was hard work. You identified triggers, patterns, calmed yourself down and now it’s time to show yourself care. One of the ways I give myself care is to go visit my favorite local coffee shop. I love grabbing a drink and getting out of my environment. It really helps me focus on positive things and get a break from the mental state I was in. Sometimes I take time to paint or draw. Other times I write a blog post from the heart or just go get my nails done. You have to do something that makes you remind yourself of your worth. You are worth it! You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Write words of affirmation and give yourself a big pat on the back.
As you we conclude today’s post I want you to note this is not an overnight process. You are going to have to do this repeatedly until you get to a place of security again. If you are really struggling I suggest getting counseling or enrolling in my GLOW UP course. It’s designed to help you have better tools to nourish and affirm yourself. You can take it at your own leisure and will give you a roadmap to a better version of you! Remember, no matter what… you can do hard things, so just keep going!
