What Anxiety and Depression Looked Like for Me
September 2018 I sat inside a psychiatrists office for the very first time. I was at rock bottom. I was having panic attacks multiple times a day and feared getting into my car to drive more than 10 minutes. I couldn’t sleep through the night. I felt utterly worthless. Where I used to be a driven person focused on goals and achievement, I couldn’t find it in myself to even write a blog post. My whole life felt like it was just on hold. I also pondered the meaning of my existence. At the conclusion of my first session, my psychiatrist said to me, “ I think you are experiencing anxiety and depression. You need sleep, a lot more sleep - healthy diet and exercise. I recommend us putting you on an SSRI and start taking a non-narcotic sleep aid until you get back on track.” I remember walking out of the office in disbelief… sleep? He’s prescribing sleep for me?
Earlier that year I wrote the word HEALTH down as my theme word for the year. My body contracted pneumonia the year before right after Hurricane Harvey displaced me and my car was flooded. Looking back I see that when life throws multiple things at you it can take a toll on your mental health. Especially if you lack coping tools. I lacked coping tools. I also lacked discernment for making healthy choices at the time. It was rough. I didn’t just feel ugly on the outside, I felt like there was a huge hole inside my heart. I lacked all drive. I feared driving anywhere. When I got in the car with someone else I would imagine getting into a car crash. My heart would race, my body would shake, it was the most awful experience. That was the anxiety part. The depression came afterwards - Why couldn’t I just pull it together? Why wasn’t I strong enough? Was this all there is?
Not one to sit around I decided to try yoga. I read about the benefits and since the doctor said I needed more exercise I figured it couldn’t hurt. I enrolled in a studio that I could walk to and started going to the same class five days a week. Something happened during the three months I took classes - I started gaining more confidence. My body started feeling lighter and not weighed down. I learned to focus on my breathing. It also helped me shut the world out because you weren’t supposed to take your phone in the yoga room out of respect for others. It was such a release. All of the pounding thoughts left when I was in there. Nothing else mattered but listening to the instructions and following. Half the time I didn’t know what I was doing, but I also didn’t care. I just went with it. You see, yoga isn’t about nailing the perfect position. It’s about breathing and alignment and mindfulness.
Over the course of the next six months I slowly started getting better. As the year turned into 2019 I called forth the word SIMPLICITY in an effort to discard what no longer served me and find discernment for my life purpose. I still had a long way to go but so much progress happened. Depression and anxiety can coexist. I’m sharing all of this to tell you that you are not crazy if you are experiencing these things but you may need to get assistance. Today I am no longer medicated at all, I sleep pretty solid most nights and live a purposeful and intentional life. I didn’t do it alone, but I did have to accept responsibility for what I could change and what I was powerless over.
Now I see a therapist using an app I love called Talkspace. I also haven’t touched alcohol since March of 2019. I enjoy my daily life even though I still have tons of hardships. I still can’t believe how far I’ve come based on where I was when I walked into that doctor’s office in 2018. If you feel something similar, my heart goes out to you. But I do have good news! You can get better. It’s not overnight, but you can improve over time and when you look back you’ll see why you experienced what you are currently going through. Just as a reminder: You are stronger than you feel. You are capable beyond what you think. You have a purpose to offer.
